I'm gonna be brave, Mom

brave - possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.

For Gorden, being brave is a conscious decision. He has many opportunities to choose to be brave: going to preschool, riding the bus, going to the doctor, walking in the dark, crossing the street, (occasionally) talking to an adult, and speaking in church, to name a few. Lately these occasions are coming a lot more often.

Today Gorden had to give a talk in Primary. He usually does this once a month since there are only four kids. One week he gives the prayer, one week he reads a scripture, and one week he may not have an assignment. He usually doesn't mind saying the prayer, and he doesn't need help. He needs help reading a scripture because he can't read, but he likes to do this assignment because he loves to share stories about some awesome people in the scriptures that he likes, including Samuel the Lamanite, Abinadi, Ammon, Nephi.... he loves the stories where the Lord blesses them for standing up for what they believe in, and of course the ones where somebody has a sword/knife/bow and arrow/big stick, etc. Unfortunately though, Gorden totally takes after his mom as far as giving talks goes, and becomes a nervous wreck. On these days he cries most of the morning and delays getting dressed because he is fighting going to church the whole time. Some mornings are better/worse than others. If he is assigned to give a talk we usually start talking about it a few days before Sunday. The topic is always simple enough that he can think of his own personal experience to share so I feel like including him in preparing the talk is important. I don't know if he would get anything out of it (besides nervousness) if I did it all for him.

So today was no different. Sunday morning comes and his talk is prepared and whenever I remind him to get dressed he gets mad. I sat down with him and told him about how I get nervous every time I have to speak in church. Sometimes I get mad that I have an assignment like that too, and I also usually cry. I don't like to do it either. But I know that we all have to take turns and when there aren't many kids, his turn comes around pretty often. Its important to do what we are asked to do, because people are counting on us to do our part. So I told Gorden about how every time when I am so nervous and I do not want to do it, I pray. I told him to talk to Heavenly Father and tell him he is scared and nervous and ask Him to help. I told him he could ask Him to help him not be mad so that he will want to go to Primary today, and for help that he won't cry during his talk.

Gorden did. He got dressed in his suit and tie like he loves to do and picked out a book to read during sacrament meeting and put it in my bag and went outside to go down the stairs. During sacrament meeting I asked him if he wanted to practice his talk again before Primary, but he didn't. When it came time to go to Primary he willing went and walked right in happily and sat in his chair! Spencer and I were sitting in there and before it was his turn he looked at us confidently. When his turn came he did fine! He didn't cry and he actually spoke clearly (although pretty softly!) and was able to finish it all. He didn't turn into me and hide in my arm; he just faced his friends and stood up the whole time! I am so glad!

After church I told Gorden that he did a great job on his talk and he just said, "Thanks Mom." I asked him if he knew why he did a good job today, and he said because he wasn't mad. I asked him if he knew why he wasn't mad. He said "because I prayed and Heavenly Father helped me to not be nervous. I was brave Mom!" "Yes you were Gorden. You were really brave."

I am so glad that he recognizes where his strength comes from. I know he has prayed for help many times and help has always come. I am thankful that we have such a loving Heavenly Father who is so mindful of us and hears and answers our prayers.

For the past two months or so, we have been dealing with another medical issue with Gorden. Something seems to come up every several months with him, at least once a year. We have come to recognize this as normal for Gorden. Each time, Gorden is so tough. There are days when he is so brave and other days when he says he doesn't want to be brave. It breaks my heart whether he is nervous or not because of the things he has to endure at such a young age. Last week as I was carrying him down a long dark hospital hallway on the way to an elevator, he was crying and telling me he didn't want to do this today. In the past few weeks he has been to the doctor and the hospital (for tests) at least three or four times each. One day he was having blood drawn from his arm and they let me hold him on my lap. He was super nervous and really not in the mood to be there that day and was crying. I covered his eyes so he couldn't watch and he sat very still (and we both cried) the whole time. On the way to the car I told him he was so brave, and he said (through tears), "No I'm not Mom. I'm not brave today." I said, "Well you're tough." He just said, "Yeah, I'm tough."

I'm grateful that through everything he has to go through, at least I can be with him the whole time. Last week he was having an ultrasound and its not the first time I've had to lay his little body on a huge hospital bed, but he was trying so hard to be brave. He kept asking if it was going to hurt and I ensured him it wouldn't. He was kind of excited to maybe get to see his insides though. =) I have to say though, that all the many the nurses and doctors and assistants and lab technicians and everyone that we've come into contact with in the last four and a half years, with the exception of two insensitive dental assistants, everyone has treated my little boy so gently and compassionately and friendly, and for that I am really grateful. That is so reassuring and comforting to both the patient and the parent.

Gorden really is brave. Some days he doesn't want to have to be, but I know that he trusts his doctor and is mature enough to realize that the things that have to be done are out of necessity. I'm so proud of him. He has a lot of strength and courage. He is a good example to me. I love my little buddy.




This time we still do not have everything figured out, well mostly nothing figured out. The doctors have been diligent in trying to figure out what is going on but still don't know. We have such great doctors and nurses. Soon Gorden has an appointment with a nephrologist so we are hopeful that he can figure out the root of the problem.